Yesterday I was feeling frustrated with quite a few things. It seems sometimes there is just too much going on inside of my head. Having slept and gotten up in a crabby mood today, I've had a bit more of a chance to look at what's really bothering me. I don't like waking up crabby because I tend to snap at whoever's around, and it's my son in the morning. Granted, today he was moving slow and in his own world, but hey, not a big deal.
No, I read a note from my bank which says that they are going to convert my savings account to a non-interest checking account because I went over transaction limits or something in the past year. Not sure what it's about so I have investigate.
Moreover, there's some days when it feels too hard. Too hard having a child, a special needs child at that. Too hard to be creative in the slightest; I feel like the burst I had the other day was a strike of random chance. Too hard to get through the day without screaming. Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, cleaning: it's a never-ending cycle, and I do it by myself.
I think I hit the crux. I'm mad that I'm doing everything by myself. And I do it because I've spoken to him in the past and nothing ever changes, and I accept my lot. And then at some point it just becomes too much again, and I start to erupt inside. Why must I always do it by myself?
Marriage is hard. Living with someone is hard. I sort of want to laugh at people I know who get engaged. They're so excited to get that ring on their finger, oh it's going to be a happily ever after, I get to be with this person forever. I shake my head and mutter to myself, "Just give it a year or two. Trust me. Then you'll see what it's really like."
Okay, so I'm ridiculously cynical sometimes. I had a conversation like this a few weeks ago with some friends, at which time I made a case for reality vs. romance. I won't go into the details, but basically there's an illusion we have (and I do think this is geared more towards women): that we will find someone out there who will shower us with love and romance for the rest of our lives. It's a great idea. But you have to take reality into consideration.
Who really wants to think about picking up someone's dirty socks forever? Or getting pissed off because the dirty dishes were left on the counter for two days? Or cleaning the catbox/birdcage/whatever because if you don't do it, it won't get done? Or trying to be creative with food while staying on a budget?
I like romance books. I do. I think they offer a great escape. But I have yet to come across one that deals with the aftermath of romance. It's all swooning sighs, hard-muscled bodies and heaving breasts, lots of sex, stupid decisions by characters that actually can be pretty realistic, candlelight, and satin sheets. Or a wooden bed on a pirate ship. Whatever.
That's great. There's a lot to be said for courtship. In the books. Would a book that explored the effects of romance be as successful? Who knows? I hate to say it, but I think romance is just a farce. It's part of the process that is supposed to lead to copulation and reproduction. And I can hear the catcalls and boos from the peanut gallery; yes, I can.
I suppose it's easier in the books. There's a limited time in order to accept the conflict and find the resolution, and usually it does happen. Occasionally, I have come across a book where the conflict isn't resolved, where there is no happy ending. I find a sort of refreshing air to those. Life is like that. There isn't always a happy ending for the featured couple or individual or what have you. We all like the idea that things will work out in the end, that no matter what troubles come our way we can find a happy resolution. It's one of the ideas I keep promoting to myself and those around me: keep a positive outlook and things can work out that way.
I'm just a pot of conflicting viewpoints, aren't I? I resent romance, yet I crave it. I don't necessarily believe in a happily ever after, but I secretly wish for it. I want to get past the negative things and find the positive aspect in any situation, and actually I do pretty well with that. But I am allowed to have my slip and slide moments.
I guess I'm tired of doing all the housework and getting none of the romance back. But you gotta give to receive. I know that, too. Maybe if I can get my head on straight I can get more of this
To get back to this
To avoid ending up like this